We are all the same people.
With sinning hearts that make us equal.
Here is my hand, not words said desperately.
It is not our job to MAKE anyone believe.



Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Welcome back to the realness of life

This is an email I wrote to a friend the day we found out about my grandmothers sudden death. I don't even know why I'm putting it here other than to have a semi-explanation of what has been going on lately without having to actually say anything all over again.
I've taken out some of the more personal parts because like I said this was originally for someone else and not for this blog.



I have no idea where this email is going to end up. It may be like a briefing or it may end up being one of my longest yet.
I think I've told you before but if not, I moved in with my grandparents for the summer to help them out a bit in their old age. They aren't totally helpless or anything but they are having trouble with a few tasks and asked if I would come help them out while I was on summer break for school so I did.

I was home alone last night because my granddad was working down at the fire station all night and my grandmother was down south for two weeks with my aunt Debbie (her second oldest daughter.) We got a call from them this morning saying she wasn't breathing when my aunt came home on her lunch break...
It's ironic really....just before she left yesterday morning she said, "Bye Lauren. I love you. I'll see you in two weeks." Then she turned to walk out the door but just as she crossed the threshold she turned and looked at me and said, "Well, maybe not." then she smiled and walked away. Never to return.

We all knew she meant she just might stay longer and not want to come home. She loves it down there! But still.
I don't really want to tell anyone that. It's a memory I wish to kept to myself.

I don't want to even be alone right now. I know its silly but all these memories are flooding through me when I'm alone and now is not the time to deal with them.
I just don't want to.

I wasn't finished with her! I still had stories I wanted to hear from her and things to learn. Gosh baby, that woman was amazing! She could do everything...except cook. lol But boy oh boy she could bake. For as long as I can remember she has made all of my birthday cakes and everyone else's. She was the best as far as I'm concerned!

She liked to decorate for weddings too. I wanted her to help with mine but now....


Oh my heart is so heavy right now. And I feel selfish for sitting here writing this while everyone around me is grieving but I can't help it! You are my comfort right now just like they have one another.

I don't think my granddad will make it through this. I know he doesn't seem to want to live without her. And that scares me. I don't want to lose them both!
Baby I wish you could be here. I know that's so not fair to say cause there isn't anything you can do but I could really use a friend here with me now.


She loved plants too. Her mother had a flower shop here in the middle of town for years and after she passed it was given to my grandmother and then from her (I think) to my aunt Becky (the oldest daughter) I wish I could send you pictures of the yard. She has transformed it into a whimsical wonderland. I love just walking around in it. Its amazing. She was always teaching me new things about plants and how to take care of them.
She left me some plants and a note on the computer telling me exactly how to take care of them because I told her before I left for Galveston I wanted to put some plants up on the balcony....now I don't know that I will. At least not yet.
I haven't even opened the note. I'm scared to in a way.


She taught me to sew too. Did I tell you that? I think I did. I got some tshirts down in Galveston that ended up being too big on me so I asked her the night before she left for Aunt Debbie's if we could fix them when she got back... I can't believe shes not coming back.
I will never see that smile again. That beautiful, cheerful smile that had the ability to light up any room in seconds.

Christmas wont be the same. We always have Christmas at her house. I have so many fond memories of Christmas. It has always been my favorite! A house full of wonderful smells and the sound of laughter. It is amazing.
Everyone has to bring food cause they know she can't cook. lol It's a big family joke. She always made eggnog though. It was something to look forward to every year. Not this year I suppose. I wonder if we will even take down the little Santa Clause cups they go in... :(


She was the last person I doctored up. She walked into the foot of a couch and cracked her toenail almost from top to bottom and I had to wrap it the night before she left. Then I gave her some extra stuff and showed her just how to fix it so she could do it on her own while she was gone. I don't think I will ever touch a foot again.


Gosh baby. How is my family going to make it through this? I know with God. This is just so hard though. I know better than to think God can't get us through. I know He can. And will. We are all mourning but we know, or I know at least, that God can fill this hole we all have now that she has passed.
This is so hard to understand. Why? Why is it hard for me to understand? It's death. Death happens. That's just how things work. But still. And I know she is happy now. But I miss her, as does the rest of my family.

For years she has been the one to hold us together. What is going to happen now that she is gone? She was always the one that kept things together in these kinds of situations. Are things going to be okay now that shes gone? Or will our family rip apart? I pray that doesn't happen. I want our family to continue to stay like a unit. But the more I think about it the more I'm really not too sure it will.


What are the stages of grief?
Do you know?


And how will her body get home from New Braunsfuls I wonder?


People keep touching her things and I really wish they wouldn't!! I know in a matter of time this house is going to be picked apart by these people and I'm getting sick just thinking about it. I want it all to just stay as it is. The way she left it!
Ugh! Baby, this just doesn't seem right! Why am I having such a hard time believing this?! I keep looking in the other room at my granddad. Oh my goodness, he is in so much pain. And for once I don't know what to do to help him baby. I just don't.
Grandmother always said I knew just how to make him smile and in most cases she would be absolutely correct but I just can't do it now. I can't even look him in the eye.
How will he sleep in their bed tonight? Assuming he does. How do you get over your partner in life not being by your side? All he keeps saying is, "I always tell her good morning and I love her but this morning she didn't answer me."

I can't imagine having the love of your life just one day after fifty-one years... be gone.

My old youth pastor just came over to me and gave me a hug. No one has given me one until now. Well, they have but its been for their own comfort he gave me one for mine and it made a world of difference.

Wow, this is hard. At least now with him sitting next to me right now I don't feel so alone and I can stop thinking about all of the memories I have with her in such a somber way.


She never believed in day care. She always begged my mom to let her keep us when we were little. You know the guest room I was talking about a while ago? That was her pride. She painted it and decorated it herself. It had everything from when we(her grand kids and her children) were little. I went upstairs a while ago and just sat in the middle of the room and thought about all the time she had put into it and then I just ran my hand along the walls she has painted.
Tears were coming uncontrollably at that point but I didn't care. I was comforted by that room somehow and that's all that mattered.

The walls of this house are full of fond memories of her. She would often times tell me what some of the things hanging on the walls were from. I loved listening to all of her stories. The night before we left for Galveston I was still up writing you one last email before going to bed and she came in here and sat down at the table next to me and started telling me about some kidney problems she had when she was younger. She knew about my kidneys giving me problems. I don't know how she knew, but she did.

She would always act like she didn't know things so when you came to her to talk about it you would feel like you could say whatever and she would just listen without saying 'yeah, I already know about that'. She wouldn't always let you talk though.... she loved talking! We always joke with her because she is ALWAYS talking!
She had lost her voice the other day and it was killing her to not be able to talk to everyone. In fact she sent me an email yesterday telling me she had made it to Aunt Debbie's cause she couldn't call and tell me. Its not like her to send emails for things like that. She always preferred a more personal way of communication.

I've read her email like fifty times since this morning. I wish I had wrote her back. I don't think she would have read it though.

I could always count on her morning emails though... she would send me an email with like the word of the day or something silly like that. And sometimes she would send me bible verses. Oh baby, I'm so going to miss her! And the thing that scares me most is not knowing what is going to happen in the days to come. And its not that I'm worried cause there is really no point in worrying but still. Am I going to be able to take care of my granddad? How will I ever cook in her kitchen again? Will the second guest bedroom that she had taken so much pride in ever get finished or will it too be a somber reminder of what is gone?


lol! I've been watching my granddad for like the past 10 minutes. The living room was full of people talking about getting my grandmothers affairs in order and whatnot and I guess my granddad didn't want to listen cause that silly old man just faked that he was sleeping so everyone would leave and not 'wake him up' ha! Just as soon as the last person left he peeked his eye open and now is sitting in his chair just rocking slowly back and forth. He is a pretty amazing man himself. The work he has put into this town is unreal! Everyone knows him and he has helped make the Parsons' name like gold around here.
I've been told if I ever get pulled over all I have to do is wait till the police sees the name on my license then I'll be free to go. I've never had the chance to test it out (thankfully) but I'm pretty sure its true. Between all the family and friends I have in the PD and FD I'm sure I wont ever get in too much trouble while in Rusk or the surrounding areas.



It was my grandmother that taught me how to love stronger. She always showed unconditional love to everyone she met. And the passion she had for life, wow. She taught me so much and I hate that she isn't here and able to teach me more. She showed me how young ladies are supposed to act and taught me all of my southern charm and hospitality. She was an amazing woman that lived an amazing life. I want her back but I'm grateful to know where she is. Someone just said she was probably happy she had her voice back and probably had already talked Jesus' ears off.
At least she left us with the ability to laugh and joke around about her. But that still doesn't come close to taking away the pain. People are arguing in the living room about what to do now. That is something grandmother would never allow. 'Family is all we have at the end of the day, we need to stick together no matter what!' I can hear her saying it.

Granddaddy has gone outside to be alone. On his way out he asked me to make him something to drink. I can almost hear him asking my grandmother if she wants any of it. He always asked her that first before he drank anything. He would hardly ever show it in public but here at home I got to see just how much he really loved and adored her. I just can't imagine the grief he must be feeling. I feel numb just thinking about it.


That was like a play by play of what happened during the hours after finding out about Grandmothers death.
Okay, so it jumps around from subject to subject but as you can imagine I was in a bit of a state of emotional shock and my thoughts weren't coming very clearly.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Wanna know whats going on outside of Rusk Texas?

Yes, believe it or not things do in fact happen outside of this place.
Here are a few things worth mentioning....

High school kids arrested for cheering and banned from tossing caps in the air at graduation? The drip-drip loss of liberty continues.


Don't drill in the frozen wasteland of ANWR 'cause it's like the Grand Canyon, and force Big Oil to "share" profits. This is John McCain, your Republican nominee..
He is really too liberal to be republican. I want Reagan back dang it!
But I suppose he is the lesser or two evils huh? I sure do hate how quickly he reaches across the isle to please the liberal left. It's really pissing me off a bit.


Democrats want to raise taxes on the oil companies, to punish the only people making sure you have gasoline for your car. But the Democrat plan does not include one drop of new energy produced, discovered, or refined! Neither candidate is leading on this.


A tenant complains that her landlord is forcing her to put in those stupid, dangerous compact fluorescent bulbs. Well, he owns it. He can decide what bulbs to use.
Changing a light bulb is not going to cut greenhouse gasses though. Look at Australia. They had a nation wide forced change to those fluorescent bulbs in hopes of 'saving the world' Hey, guess what???
It didn't work. There was a .004 % change in greenhouse gasses. Wow. Congrats people. I guess that makes Australia like Superman or something huh?

Choices are easier when you're more informed.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

'Tis a word from mi madre.

Listening to a song on Lauren's profile I have a few thoughts to express.
The song is by Darryl Worley (don't normally listen to that music) however the song begins with this statement :I hear people say we don't need this war, but I say there are some things worth fighting for... then it ask a simple, yet complex question: Have we forgotten how we felt that day? To see your homeland under fire and our people blown away.

Forgotten, I find that word key to the question.

Have people forgotten? Listen to the news and I think you hear the answer. Many people have forgotten how we felt that day. I haven't, nor will I ever. I appreciate all our military has done and are doing (even some things we will never be told). Things for this country...my country, your country, OUR country!

Would I like our boys home? OF COURSE! Am I excited they are putting their life on the line each and every day for me, for you? NO WAY! But God bless their willingness to take the war to THE ENEMY, and not have it brought to us here at home.

Our country should be ashamed for forgetting 9-11. For forgetting it could happen again. For forgetting our men and women serving over seas are there to help prevent what happened on that day from ever happening again.

And could it happen again? Yes, it could. But that question is answered with a "Yes it COULD."

What if our military wasn't out fighting for our freedom everyday somewhere across the seas, somewhere out of our sight and unfortunately sometimes out of our memory. The answer to the question changes. The answer changes from "YES, it COULD, to yes it WOULD."

That's an amazing difference in the two answers and changes our lives forever here at home. I'm proud of what our service people do for me each day. For my children. For my friends. For my family. For strangers I've never even met, yet we all share a common bond- it's called being an American.

It makes me stand taller when I say the pledge each day at school. It makes me lower my head even lower when we have our moment of silence. It makes me sing louder when those words begin: Oh say can you see... How does it make you feel?

Thank you men and women for all you contribute to this country and I sincerely apologize from the depths of my heart for those who have forgotten. For people who think the war is over or should be.

YES, we want you home. YES we want the war over, but unfortunately it's not. We have to wake up and realize the majority of this world HATES us.

Why? Because we are Americans.

Plain and simple? No, not really- it goes much deeper and starts over 200 years ago, but that begins the hate and prevents it from ever changing, except to grow deeper.

Military: I'm ashamed and embarrassed for the lack of memory of that day.
I'm even more ashamed for the lack of sympathy for who you are--- GREAT AMERICANS, REAL PEOPLE WITH REAL HEART BEATS, PEOPLE WHO TAKE A BREATH LIKE WE DO, MEN AND WOMEN WHO HAVE FAMILIES BACK HOME WHO LOVE YOU DEARLY, CHILDREN WHO MISS THEIR MOMS and DADS, OUR PROTECTORS, OUR HEROES, OUR BRAVE FREEDOM FIGHTERS!

God bless...for all you do. And please know THIS American has not forgotten, nor will I ever.

www. anysoldier. com
Freedom isn't free.
Just ask any soldier!

Please help let our men and women know they are not forgotten. If you are not sure how, Lauren and I can get you started OR check out the website above.
:)


I love my mom for all the patriotism she has instilled in me since birth and I am grateful for her love and devotion to our country.
What she said is true and worth putting on my blog, thus it's appearance here before you now. lol
Seriously though, get in contact with me or her about supporting our troops.
Those guys and girls over there need it. They need desperately to know people still care and support them! I'm not kidding. It means more than you know to get a letter from home. Especially from a stranger. I've wrote my fair few so I know from history what I'm talking about.
Just send me off a short little e-mail.

I'll get you started:
"Hey Lauren/Tammy (to whom it may concern),
I would like to know how to show support for a service member. What should I do?"

Simple.
Copy and paste that for all I care. Just take the next step to brightening up the lives of our men and women who otherwise don't see much 'brightness'.

It's a small little something that we back home can do for this brave group of people. It keeps them going and they need it, no, they deserve it!

Emial(mine then Moms):
Lparsons11@gmail.com
TLKR2000@AOL.com

Saturday, June 7, 2008

What the heck is my problem anyway??

Ya know the more I think about it the more I can't get over the fact that my loyalty to my teams have started to change...

Since when do I ever do a crazy thing like change teams?? I'll tell you the answer to that one real quick. Never. Okay, so once. I used to be a huge Rangers fan but since they started trading off all of their relatively good players and keeping their average ones I just got way too frustrated and made the Astros numero uno. But at least in this case it was still a dang Texas team!!
Blah!!

Enough on that.

Sports. An essential ingredient in my young life. Without them I would be so unhappy. I pride myself on knowing stats and history and take great pleasure in smack talk. :)
But are sports too much of me? I honestly think I know the answer and it's a bit scary. Am I disappointing God by my greater knowledge of sports than His word? Perhaps I could find a happy medium but I know that's not the answer either. To find a 'happy medium' with God and anything else is never a good thing! God should be first and I know that...so why then am I trying to justify this?
The thought of disappointing God knowingly is a scary thought to say the least. It is one that shakes me to my very core so that being said, what am I going to do about it??
I'll let you know after I receive the answer.

Yesterday afternoon was Jerri Chelle's graduation party. It was pretty cool actually and as I sat there watching her I was taken back to the day she moved to Rusk. I remember it so vividly it makes me laugh.
I was in Mrs. Rina's first grade class and it was just after some holiday cause over the break me and my family had gone up to Arlington to visit Chelle and her family and this wasn't too long after that.
So, for some reason I needed to go to the nurse for a Band-Aid and while I was up there Mrs. Nations got a phone call and I had to wait on her for assistance.
I was listening to the call and could tell what was going on and started to get super excited but equally curious.
I had no idea they were moving to Rusk, what a pleasant surprise! But it was most definitely made clear through that phone call that Chelle would be joining me in my class the very next day! I was super stoked! :)
So anyway...the next day there she is...
I remember playing with her on the playground until she made enough friends on her own and whatnot... then I ditched her faster then I would ditch TO if given the chance. Nah, I'm kidding (about Chelle, NOT Terrell).
Ah, but the best part of this long drawn out story is, even though I finished HS two years ago this year would have been the year I graduated... and while at her party I got a gift too! Money, and a good bit of it I must say. I was totally excited and couldn't believe God had just seriously blessed me again!!

I have been so in awe of God's mercy on me lately. I seriously don't deserve all He has given me... dang. If you only knew...





I always look back on this picture and smile.

I remember how hard it was to take it and not knowing if it would even turn out to be anything... It's not the best but given the circumstances I think it turned out just fine. It's the kind of thing Ty would have enjoyed...he would have turned it into some really awesome metaphor or something. :-/

I just can't get over this picture and the way it makes me feel. I have no clue where this came from. It seriously just fell out of the sky or something for all I know. But it's pretty cool regardless.

A few long awaited cruise pictures

How adorable is that?? lol

Freakin huge! It was so awesome!! :)


This is the ship where it all began.



Tell me that water is not amazing.






I crave this place with all that is in me.


Now that is a scary realization... :-/




That, my dears, is one bad 'butt' slide!



---------------------------------------------------------


I've got these on my other blog but most of you don't know about that one so I went ahead and put them on this one too. I'm so nice...this I know.

Enjoy.

More to come.

Maybe.

Probably not.

Look at my Myspace or Facebook if you really want to see more.

Mwah!


Just something to help give you a little better idea about myself

--TEN THINGS YOU CAN’T LiVE WiTHOUT::

- God
-Family
-Email
-Friends
-Cell phone
-Computer
-Sweet tea
-Sports
-Love
-Cooking



--NiNE “DiFFERENT” THiNGS ABOUT YOURSELF::


-I love America and I think our military is amazing and should be given the ability to reach its full potential.
-I have the world's greatest guy friend
-I hate being bored
-God is by far my biggest fear

-I surrender myself to God everyday
-I am transferring to Kilgore College in the fall
-I absolutely LOVE Glenn Beck!!
-I have VSD. Basically, I was born with a dime sized hole in my heart. I think it's crazy-cool!! lol
-I have a past that makes me sick but in the end it is just a past. One that has paved the way for a very wonderful future of which I am grateful.


---EiGHT THiNGS YOU DO EVERYDAY::

-Pray
-Send off a few emails to my love
-shower
-enjoy family time
-laugh laugh laugh! :)
-daydream
-learn something
-miss people
-try to listen to and obey what God tells me


--SEVEN THiNGS THAT HAVE CROSSED YOUR MiND A LOT RECENTLY::

-What am I going to do after college?
-How can I make myself more readily available to serve others this Summer?
-Man, I am a blessed girl!
-What on Earth is up with my Astros this season?!
-Why doesn't Texas have more airports?
-When will I get to finally meet Glenn Beck or Marcus Luttrell?!?
- Lord I am so unworthy but completely in awe of Your mercy!


--SiX WAYS TO WiN YOUR HEART::

-don't
-try
-it's
-already
-been
-won :)


--FiVE TURN OFFS::

-smoking
-not a Christian
-can't hold a conversation (cause I would much rather listen than speak...this comes from my desire to learn new things as often as possible!)
-overly flirtatious with people other then me.
-guys who aren't romantic or big dreamers


--FOUR TURN ONS::

- A Godly man.
- A romantic. A, takes your breath away with his words and steals your heart with his passion kind of romantic. ;)
- Will gladly take things slow and will do whatever it takes to make me feel comfortable and protected.
- Totally in love with sports and doesn't mind the occasional smack talk! :)


--THREE SMiLEYS TO DESCRiBE MY LiFE::

:P
;)
:D


--TWO THiNGS i WANT TO DO BEFORE i DiE::

- travel the world
- get married and have a few kiddos



It's been forever but the party shall continue on.

I've been using my other blog and totally forgot about this one.
Alas, I have returned and I know that thrills you to no end... psh. lol
Get ready for my craziness and random subjects, skipping from one to another faster than you can grasp what I've said. You know it's coming! Smile.



Can you say 'Astros game in less than a week?!' Yeah, that's right! I am about to burst with anticipation! Ah, the smell of the park, the buzzing of excitement, the looks on children's faces when the players make their way on the field!!! GAH!! It's amazing! Then at the end of the month Mom and I are going to have a little Mother-daughter bonding as we(I) cheer on the Phillies while they play the Rangers.


Did you feel that?

The Earth just stopped turning.

No, don't bother getting your glasses. You read that correctly. I, Lauren Nicole, will be cheering on a team other than my Astros.
Have no fear though my loves, I am still head over heels for my Astros but dang! Have you ever watched the Phillies?!? You're really missing out if you haven't. I promise, promise! ;)

I watched them kick my Astros' butts a few weeks back and haven't stopped watching them since. Come over sometime and watch them with me. I always enjoy the company and you will enjoy my commentary. ;)
That was of course an open invitation to all non-freaks or non-child molesters by the way. No offense to the uninvited but you guys just don't really set the 'baseball mood'.

Sarcasm people. Embrace it. Or simply smile and move on it makes no difference to me.

I wrote a new poem the other night. I've still yet to top the poem I wrote like two weeks ago. I was even shocked at how well that one turned out. It was full of passion and love and came out of nowhere. And I was pleased to no end at the reception it received from its recipient. :)

Haha, try saying that five times, fast.

"reception it recieved from its recipient"

"reception it recieved from its recipient"

"receptions recieved its recip...."

I give up...lol

Last night I was reading a little John Donne to Richard... he really doesn't care for all that stuff but I enjoy it. We took turns reading things to one another. I would read a poem and he would read something like 'The Ugly Duckling' or 'Pat the Bunny'.... both true childhood favorites of his in case you didn't know. He ended up reading me to sleep. It was so cute.

So, my cooking skills are comparable to people like Paula Dean and Rachel Ray now.
;)
Nah, but I'll get there one day. I love cooking! If I could spend all day creating things in a kitchen I would be satisfied. I want a huge kitchen one day. With everything imaginable to cook with filling its cabinets and drawers.


I long for the ocean nowadays. That cruise did something to my spirit that I can't explain. I constantly imagine myself standing along the ships edge, feeling the soft ocean breeze caressing my face as I watch the sun set on the day. To look out and see the warm and inviting waters all around me and to hear the sounds of the ship and the water below as it pushes the ship along.... Ah! I want it back! All of it!! The water, the wind, the sounds, the view! Give me what I so strongly desire!


Lauren

I leave you with one of the current loves of my life and the second highest thing on my list of daydreams. The ocean. Enjoy.


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