We are all the same people.
With sinning hearts that make us equal.
Here is my hand, not words said desperately.
It is not our job to MAKE anyone believe.



Thursday, October 29, 2009

Tragic though it may seem, it's mostly superficial.

Distance is no friend of mine. 2.5 hours doesn't seem like much....until it becomes the one thing that keeps you from what you want most often.

I'm in the mood to write a poem tonight, but that mood will probably pass by the second or third stanza so why bother..
I haven't really felt like writing much this semester. Perhaps it's because I usually do my best writing when I'm unhappy or feel close to God, neither of which I've been lately. I started off this semester so on fire for God, but silly me....fires eventually burn out. It was superficial. I want what I had last semester, what I had this summer, something! Anything is better than what I have now.
"No matter how many steps you take away from God all it takes is just one step back towards Him and He'll be right there." Jordan said that one night at Craft's college bible study and I'm quite certain it will stick with me forever.


Knowing my blog is like synced with my facebook page or whatever kind of keeps me from writing as freely as I'm used to because I know more people will have access to this than just my family and hometown friends who usually keep up with me through my blog. That being said, I've got nothing more to say till I can remember how to fix it so my blog posts stop showing up on facebook.

Friday, August 28, 2009

another poem..

This is just a real laid back poem I wrote one night for my little sister before she left for college. The rhyme scheme changes a lot, which isn't very ideal I suppose, but it's not too hard to follow.
New Journey
Lauren Parsons

We've been together through the years,
side by side we've conquered fears.
The years were hard, we made it through;
the laughs you brought were always true.

Some may say the time is near
for closing books and wiping tears,
but life is just beginning, Love,
and you will always rise above.

Share with the world what you've shared with us,
let them see it's in God you trust.
Go now into the world so wide,
let truth and honor be your guide.

Our separate paths will cross real soon,
we'll laugh and tease in your messy room.
Oh, the stories we will have to share,
I wonder who will have longer hair? ;)

These months will pass with grace and ease,
and you can always visit...please?
Until then remember, Sis
you are truly, deeply missed.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Looking for Rest

I need rest. Not the kind you find when your head hits the pillow, but the kind only the Lord can give. The peace only He provides. I want to run to my Father's arms and find sweet rest in Him.

Such rest He brings. Oh, how I long for that rest.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Sleep


You left last night to dwell with another
Torn thoughts and plans, again, your cover.
Dear Sleep, I see you wish to go,
though I must strongly beg you, No!

You tease me now with dreary eyes
Oh Comfort! You're my pleasing prize.
Soft pillows gently frame my head
while lying motionless in bed.

Oh Sleep, come now! I'm ready, see?
Quiet slumber, this, my plea.

Come tender sleep, labor dreams through the hours.
Then rise with the sun and the morning dew showers.
Take with you your warmth and ease,
but do come back tomorrow, please.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

It's not the people who are screaming that need attention

June 16th.

This time a year ago I was laying in bed at my grandmother's house texting, writing emails, and listening to Only Hope and Heavenly Day over and over until I grew too tired to stay up.
Then I went out to the balcony and stared at the moon until I accidentally fell asleep.

So much has changed since that night.
Oh, what I would give to go back!

Death.
Death came into my world and turned it upside down and inside out.
Death came in and ripped my heart out. Upon realizing that wasn't enough pain, death proceeded to tear my heart to shreds before my weary eyes.

Bitterness.
Bitterness towards death has weakened me.
Bitterness has come into my life and reeked havoc despite how hard I have tried to push it out.

Memories.
Memories have flooded through me like Katrina into NOLA.
No picture, no memorabilia, no thought of her escapes me now. And with each, the pain of my loss is only intensified.

Her last words will forever grace my memory.
"Bye Lauren. I love you. I'll see you in two weeks."
She then turned to walk out the door, but just as she crossed the threshold she looked back at me and said, "Well, maybe not."
Then she smiled her warm smile and walked away.
Never to return.

She was visiting my aunt and uncle for two weeks.
She loved it down there.

It is partially because of them that I do not allow myself to let depression or pain rule me. [Though, it would be very easy.]
You see, they, my aunt especially, had/have it far worse than I.
It was their house she died in.
I'm not sure I would have the strength to pass by the room she stayed in.
I'm not sure I could sit at the kitchen table without picturing her bright face there once again.
I'm not sure I have the strength to stay away from her memories.

Love.
Unconditional love.
You can't hardly think of Grandmother without also thinking of the unconditional love she showed. For this, I will always be grateful.
I find myself acting in ways I saw her act and it pleases me.
She was a woman you could live by, if ever there were such a need.


\\
I've held back pain, I've held back tears.
I'm broken now, but Yours to heal.
The light You bring in darkest night,
will shine beyond the suns' own might.

Take my hand and guide me, Lord.
Show the path you have in store.
My feet they search in light of You,
My hands, Oh Lord, forever use.

Wrap me in your tender care,
don't let go, I need You there.
Shake from me my deepest fears,
wipe away my falling tears.

Forevermore I'm Yours, Oh Lord.
forevermore, forevermore.


In loving memory:
Letha Jo Parsons
June 16, 2008

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

I would like to think that five, ten years from now...these are the nights I will remember most. =)

Goodnight, friends.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Summer of Growth.

Sitting in youth tonight (which was great, btw) I realized this is the summer of growth for me. I'm growing mentally, socially, and I'm growing closer to God--what a general phrase, cliche. Let me break it all down.

I was laying in bed two nights ago thinking about where my life is going, the short and long, and I decided this is it. I get this one shot at life, this one chance to be used for something greater (something I want but never really end up putting much effort into)but what difference am I really making? (what youth doesn't ask that at some point? lol) When I first started school last semester I prayed God would use me to change that place (see previous posts). To wake that place up to what God wanted for us all, but as the semester raced on my desire to be His tool slipped more and more. And more quickly than I realized the semester was coming to a close and I hadn't made much of an impact. I was so down on myself....some of you whom I went to school with may have noticed my absence, not just in the classroom, but in conversations, in the general company I usually kept, from the library, ect..
I ran, retreated to the bright new worlds my books took me and the comfort of my bed. For about a week I didn't go to hardly any of my classes, I just stayed in my room and thought, slept, cried and eventually started praying. I felt guilty (Satan's tool) and worthless and it took what seemed like ages to get over.
But I finally did get past it all. I spoke with my sister, with whom words could never describe, about everything I was going through--my thoughts, feelings, hopes and despairs and I asked that she would pray with me. Oh, what a blessing that young woman is!
A few days later my roommate mentioned a girls bible study she wanted to start next semester and asked if I would be interested in it. In short,.........duh! lol

Tonight I decided I am not letting the rest of my time at JBC go to waste. Yes, I am sure I will stumble. I am not so naive as to believe otherwise but this is the summer of growth. I am going to let God grow me. I am going to let Him mold me. I am His and when I fall, and I will fall, He will be my aid in getting back up, in dusting off and moving on.
Am I totally ready right this second? No, not really. There are still things I think I have to learn this summer in preparation for what is to come. Will I be ready when the time comes? You better believe it.

As far as the mental growth I have been doing this summer (and it kinda relates spiritually): Tonight I also decided to stop letting Satan make me feel guilty about what happened a few months ago. I am afraid the distance is still something I will not budge on though......
No more secret friendships for me. Talk to me in person and then perhaps I'll answer your texts... just saying...

In regards to the social growth: hmmm....actually that one is a bit more involved. I'll save it for another time perhaps.

I had a post on here not too long ago that opened with something about how when God is working in you it seems like everything else around you is also focused towards what God's doing.....yeah, that's happening lately and it feels.....indescribable.


Okay, that's enough of an update for now. I have a book or two calling my name and it's far too tempting not to answer ;)

Friday, May 22, 2009

Memorial Day.

Monday is Memorial Day; a day off of work, a day for cookouts, the unofficial start of summer, a day for baseball games, and a day for parades. But above all, Memorial Day is of course a day for remembering those members of our military that have made the ultimate sacrifice over the past 230+ years.

I think it's safe to say a lot of us feel there are many things wrong with America today, or that it's heading down the wrong road. But, there are many more things that are right with America! And one of the biggest is the men and women of our military. These brave souls are: sons, daughters, fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, neighbors, friends, and co-workers. They come from poor and rich families. They come from every religion. They come from every corner of this great nation, from Alaska to Florida, and from Maine to Hawaii.

Ultimately they do what is probably the bravest and most noble thing a person can do, they decide to put their lives on the line to protect the lives of others. They put their lives on the line for freedom, liberty, and justice. They put their lives on the line for the right to vote for whoever you want to, the right to say whatever you want, the right to worship God in any way you choose, and the right to not worship God at all. They put their lives on the line so that those before them did not do so in vein. They put their lives on the line for their brothers and sisters standing next to them in battle. They put their lives on the line for Old Glory and everything she stands for. They put their lives on the line for you, me, and all of America.

They are Coast Guardsmen, Airmen, Soldiers, Sailors, and Marines. They are heroes. They are the reason I'm safe and free. They are the reason I can complain about stuff like the way my favorite sports team is playing, traffic, and gas prices. They are the reason why I have the freedom to go on a website like this and post something that reaches a few dozen people.

To all the members of our military (past and present) and their families, especially those that have made the ultimate sacrifice, I say this. I know there is no way I could possibly give you the thanks you truly deserve. I admire and respect you and the sacrifices you make very much. I will always be thankful that I have the best people from the best country protecting me day and night. You all are in my thoughts and prayers everyday.


God bless our Military who are protecting our Country for our freedom. Thanks to them, and their sacrifices we can celebrate on Memorial Day. We must never forget who gets the credit for the freedoms we have, of which we should be grateful.

I hope everyone has a safe, fun, and happy Memorial Day! Please if you ever see a service member, thank them, especially this weekend.


~Lauren Nicole

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Glenn Beck on "The View"

*shudders*

I just watched Glenn Beck on "The View" and may I say..... no, wait. I need to go take a shower first. I feel dirty.
I sat in front of the TV for 45 minutes watching those women rip apart topic after brainless topic until Glenn came on and it's got me feeling like I just rolled around in a large pile of the world's most disgusting garbage. Ew.

Glad the show is over. I did at least learn something today. The order of introduction is VERY important! You should always have your facts straight about who spoke first. Always. WHAT A JOKE THESE "VIEW" WOMEN ARE!! hahaha

They started the interview off with an argument over who spoke to whom first on a train a few weeks back.... it was, without a doubt, the most childish discussion I've ever seen on television. I was embarrassed for Barbra Walters and Whoopi Goldberg. They looked like little kids up there! Hah, who am I kidding? I enjoyed watching them make fools of themselves. I can't wait for Glenn's show later to hear how he responds to it all. Hopefully, he wont apologize too much. He has no reason to, despite what those two women thought.

They later talked about his opinion of Pelosi resigning. And by "talked about his opinion" I mean Glenn gave his opinion and the women twisted it, like most Liberals are accustom to doing, until it hardly resembled his original opinion at all. Hey, at least they kinda let him give his opinion though, right?

The rest of the show consisted of Glenn trying to talk and them running over his words; constantly twisting and turning them, often before he could even get them out of his mouth.

It was sickening watching them fight over who would be the first to catch him in the lies they were fabricating. Sickening, I tell you.


How is this show still on air after all this time? Why do they have so many viewers, pardon the pun. I can only conclude that their viewers consist of Jerry Springer fans and catty, young adult women who have a baby on each hip, chicken frying on the stove and nine dogs running around. My point being, no intelligent person has any business watching that show on a regular basis. It's disgusting and I feel as though I've lost about 10% of my brain cells and like no amount of showering will ever make me clean again after just having watched one episode. There really must be more stupid people in the world than I thought. Sad.

Glenn did well though. I'd rather he not keep such company but other than that, I'm glad it's over and pleased he didn't have his head ripped off of his neck right before my very eyes by those beasts.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Looking for a cheap and easy meal?

I tried to keep this as basic as I could and with as few ingredients as possible. Obviously, expansion on any or all aspects of this meal preparation is welcomed. :)

Ingredients:
Pasta--I like bowties best for this dish, but you can use whatever you'd like. Penne pasta works great as well.
Mushrooms--I like baby bella mushrooms, but again, use what you'd like.
Two Sauces--A red sauce and a white sauce. Classico has a very nice variety of 'white sauces'. My favorite is Sun Dried Tomato. The Mushroom Alfredo is good in this dish, too.
As for the 'red sauce', try Ragu's traditional pizza sauce.

Italian spices
Salt (to taste) Unless you go with the other option, mentioned later.
Extra Virgin Olive Oil
Butter (about 1/8 of a stick)

Start by boiling a pot of water (don't forget to add a pinch of salt, its better for the noodles). You will be able to tell when your water is ready for the pasta by simply stirring the water. If it continues to boil, its ready, if stirring the water makes it stop boiling then it's not ready.

Measure the pasta you need. Pasta generally doubles in size when cooked, so 1 cup uncooked = 2 cups cooked.
Slowly add the pasta to the boiling water. Ideally, the water shouldn't stop boiling, but if that happens, it's okay.
Now, stir, stir and stir some more! Pasta will stick together if it isn't stirred enough in the beginning. Let your pasta cook for 8-12 minutes.

While it's cooking you should start your sauces.
Pour your "red" and "white" sauces into separate pots on medium heat. Add roughly half a cup of water to each then stir until the water is absorbed.

To the red sauce, add your Italian spices. I've never actually measured how much to use but I usually sprinkle in enough to evenly cover the top of the pot. You really can't go wrong with it unless you like accidentally screw the lid off wrong and end up dumping in half the bottle... of course, even then all you have to do is scoop out the excess and laugh at yourself a little.

Now that you have your sauces going go back and check on your pasta. By now it should be "al dente" or firm, yet tender.
Taste it and see if it needs to be cooked longer. Unless you had it cooking on a low setting, it should be finished and ready to drain. Don't rinse it. That takes off all the starches and wont allow your sauces to stick. Just let it sit in the colander and let the excess water drain off.

While that's draining, get a small skillet and add Olive Oil(enough to coat the bottom) and your butter (about 1/8 of a stick). Turn the burner on medium-high heat.

In waiting for the Olive Oil to heat up you will want to prepare your mushrooms.
There is no need to peel mushrooms. The only trimming they may need is the stem end, if it's dry, or the tough stem portion of Shiitakes or the root of the Portabella. All other mushroom stems may be prepared along with the caps.
Mushrooms can be sliced thick or thin, cut in quarters, coarsely or finely chopped using a sharp knife. I like to slice mine thin. Remember, they shrink once you start cooking them.

By now your skillet should be nice and warm for you. So, carefully add in the mushrooms. If it sizzles right away that's fine but if it pops a lot then turn down the heat just a little.
To Saute mushrooms: cook and stir them until they are golden and the released juices have evaporated. It will take about five minutes (stir your sauces in the meantime). Don't overcrowd the skillet or the mushrooms will steam rather than brown.



(OPTIONAL) Recently, I experimented with my red sauce by adding feta cheese. It gave it a slightly fuller taste, not to mention a pretty color.

A helpful hint: feta has a somewhat salty taste.

I will probably start using feta for now on as a replacement to salt because not only did it have a better taste but it also has better health benefits.
If you want to use feta in your sauce simply cut off a block of cheese, roughly the size of your thumb. Then, mince it (cut it into tiny pieces..dice it then run your knife through it till its about as small as you can get it). Sprinkle the feta into your sauce and stir. It wont melt in so don't worry if you still see the lumps after several minutes of stirring.

By now everything should be coming together nicely. You pasta is ready to be platted, your sauces are smelling wonderfully and your mushrooms are simmering away quietly, moments away from being placed atop your dish.

Now, what I like to do is layer everything in individual bowls. Starting with the pasta, then a little red sauce (it goes a looong way), then the white, top it all off with sauteed mushrooms and bon appetite!
A little grated Parmesan goes well on top also.

This is a quick, inexpensive meal the entire family can enjoy and you can be proud of.
Look out Olive Garden, there's a new Italian chef in town!! :)



I'd be more than happy to answer any questions or address your comments.
So, feel free to email me.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Dearest Mother,

On this, the day we are told to remember our mother's
I would like to present you with this post
in hopes that it will show you how much you mean to me,
to all of us.
Happy Mother's Day.


I was in your tummy for 9 months and all I got was:
Your eyes,
Your passion,
Your love for politics, learning, teaching and cooking,
Your ability to think on my own but to work with others,
Your desire to do what's right even if it means doing it alone,
Your curiosity,
Your tenacity,
Your love for the Lord,
Your hope for the lost,
Your knowledge that prayer, prayer
and more prayer is always the right answer to any situation.
Your strength in troubled times,
and the will to make it through.
Your capability to look at the world with open eyes,
not judging things based on how the rest of the world perceives itself,
Your ability to be resourceful,
Your kind caring attitude, understanding, patience and helpfulness towards others,
Your knowledge of what a young lady should act like;

But more than anything, Mom...
You've given me you.
What more could I possibly ask for?




"M" is for the million things she gave me,
"O" means only that she's growing old,
"T" is for all the countless things you've taught me,
"H" is for her heart that loves the Lord;
"E" is for her ears that always stop to listen,
"R" means right, and right she'll always be, ;-)


Put them all together, they spell "MOTHER,
"A word that means the world to me.


If I could give you diamonds
for each tear you cried for me.
If I could give you sapphires
for each truth you’ve helped me see.

If I could give you rubies
for the heartache that you’ve known
If I could give you pearls
for the wisdom that you’ve shown.
Then you’ll have a treasure, mother,
that would mount up to the skies
That would almost match
the sparkle in your kind and loving eyes.

But I have no pearls, no diamonds,
As I’m sure you’re well aware
So I’ll give you gifts more precious
My devotion, love and care



You were there when we took our first steps,
And went unsteadily across the floor.
You pushed and prodded: encouraged and guided,
Until our steps took us out the door...

You worry now "Are they okay?"
Is there more you could have done?
As we walk the paths of our unknown
You wonder"Where have my children gone?"

Where we are is where you have led us,
With your special love you showed us a way,
To believe in ourselves and the decisions we make.
Taking on the challenge of life day-to-day.




If I knew as a child what I know now, Mom,
I probably wouldn't have made things so hard for you.
I would have understood,
that you were looking out for my best interests.

I would have known how difficult it is to let go,
to stand back and let someone you love
learn from their mistakes.
I would have realized
how fortunate I was to have a mother
who was always there for me,
even after an argument,

even after I'd said things I shouldn't have.
While it's too late for a lot of things
it's not too late for me to tell you
that I appreciate how loving you are,

how giving you've always been
and that even though
I may not always be good at showing it,
I love you very much.
~~~l~~~


Happy Mother's Day, Mom.
I love you.
More than you will know,
more than I can show.

And can I just say-
"The cake is done but you are finished"
A line that will carry on for many years to come, I'm sure.
Thank you, Ms. English Major, for teaching us proper grammar. ;-)

Saturday, May 9, 2009

thoughts going through my mind...

It's been one year today.
[Don't ask, please]

Summer is officially here. My finals are over and I couldn't be more pleased with how well this semester turned out. And my summer classes should be challenging enough to hold my attention for a while.

Debussy is really great. [it's what I'm listening to right now]

I wonder where I'm going to put all my stuff from my dorm. It seems like I came back with a LOT more than I originally left with.. :/

Epic Movie...was an epic FAIL! That was, without a doubt, the gayest movie I've ever seen.
I had like 10 movies recorded (thank you, whoever created DVR) to watch this weekend but only got around to like 3 of them.. Epic Movie was such a waste of time.
It was one of those movies you watch thinking it will get better....but never does... At the end I was like "Wow, that's the movie? Why the crap did I just sit here and watch all of that?" But, I truly did think it was going to get better. Before I knew it, it was over though...and still just as lousy in the end as in the beginning and middle and every tiny second in between. ugh.

Sleep sounds nice.

Brunch with Kristen was really nice this morning. I need to buy more bella mushrooms though. Between the mushroom risotto last night and the mushroom, tomato omelets for brunch..I'm all out. Oh, and that reminds me..I need to look up new recipes that use white wine... I still have some of that left from the risotto and it would be fun to cook with it again.

Wow, I cant believe its already been a year. Life has funny twists sometimes.

Bella Ciao has been stuck in my head for the past 48 hours. Ive tried a billion different ways to get it out but I'm afraid its taking a vacation in my head for a while. I heard another Italian song the other day that I wouldn't mind having in my head for a while. It was so pretty and fun to sing along to [even if I only knew like half the words lol] I don't remember the name of the song though...hmm.. maybe it will come to me later.

Watching Pearl Harbor last night was a bad idea. I was too mad to sleep afterwards. All I wanted to do was go shoot some dang Commie Japs... terrible to say out loud, huh? Well, it's done now. Guess I'll take whatever criticism comes my way.

I feel like painting.

The song I'll Be Your Lover, Too sung by Rob Pattinson makes me Laugh Out Loud.

I need to find a summer job. CSBE sent me a job application. I wonder if I can work around my summer classes? That sure would be a fun job to have! :)

My piano playing has come a long way in the past two weeks. I have noticed a difference at least. If I had an electric keyboard I could practice a lot more. I can't find one I like enough to buy though.

The Script. A new band I've started listening to... I think I really am starting to like them, too.. despite the fact that most of their songs are like sad, love songs. It's like sad country music meets pop/Indie.

Oooh! Angela is giving me the new As Cities Burn CD on Sunday!! :) Well, that thought just made my day 10x better! hehe

Thanks to Twitter I found another new band.. Fin Raziel. I haven't decided if I like them yet or not.

I wonder if I'll be able to get away with taking a nap today. I think I can squeeze one in.

This is terrible writing.
I needed an outlet for my thoughts though.

Monday, March 30, 2009

That man is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose

At times, it seems that God puts His finger on something and then everywhere you look you see it. Lately, that is the way things seem to be in my life. God is working wonders in the youth group at FBC. God is working wonders in me.

In my own life He is working in several areas all for one purpose, for the fellowship of He and I together.
Ranging from purity (physical and spiritual), to planting seeds of change, to shyness--He is hard at work. I want to camp on the purity thing for a bit then move on... I'll try and make this post short and to the point but I can't make any promises ;-)

A few weeks back the image of God giving away the first bride, Eve, was presented during youth group and it blew me away. I came back to school that night and gave a recap of the entire service to anyone who would stop long enough to listen and if they wouldn't stop Id just follow them around until I was finished talking. Always finishing with, "What a beautiful image! God walking the bride down a row of peaches in the peach orchard or something, giving to Adam the totally perfect match that was created by God just for him! God knew exactly what Adam wanted. He knew the desires of his heart--amazing!"
God knows the desires of my heart. He knows exactly what I need! He has created a man for me that is far better than any man I can pick out on my own. Why date around searching for "Mr. Right"??
Besides, God's not finished growing me to be the woman that God's Mr. Right needs me to be. That night I spent time with God and He brought me through a time of brokenness and restoration that was amazing beyond words followed by a time of indescribable praise!
God wasn't finished with me though, thankfully. In the days to come God showed me it wasn't only sexual purity He wanted from me. Matthew 5:8 Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. As I spent time in the Word and time in prayer God grew in me a desire not only for physical purity but also spiritual purity like never before! A simple concept is seems but--wow.

Moving on.. Hopefully this doesn't sound too choppy and rushed. I'm trying to keep it from being too long (not to mention its late and my morning class is going to come a lot sooner than Id like as it is! lol)

During Spring Break Retreat (amazing!) my beautiful sister, Kristen, and dearest friend, CI, taught a small group on planting the seed of change. God worked and what they shared was such a blessing! Later that day I went to another small group with Rebecca and Sammy who brought the idea of missions and it tied in so perfectly with what I had just heard from Kris and CI. I was once again blown away and couldn't help but see God was working. I took what I learned that weekend back with me to Jacksonville and I've seen some pretty spectacular changes! =)

Prior to Spring Break Retreat, my sister and I had been discussing some of the unexpected feelings Ive had about my new school.

Before going on any further, I'll share my feelings. There is no point going on without doing so.
I had it in my head that this school was going to be not only a place to grow my mind but also a place to grow spiritually (given that it's a Christian school and whatnot..) however, after a few weeks of being here I realized, shy of a few things here and there, this was merely a glorified version of High School.
I was so disappointed, so discouraged. I wanted (and fully expected) to walk through the halls and hear people talking about Jesus, to sit at lunch and hear how God was growing my new friends, to see people gathered and the Bible being dug into. Instead, I have to close my ears in the hall so I'm not bombarded with filth, fight hard not to leave during lunch, and turn my head from make-out sessions on the couches with MTV on in the background.
It wasn't exactly as pretty on the inside as it was a few months ago looking in.

After a lot of prayer and application of the things God showed me during SBR, my opinions have changed a bit. I look at things differently. I take this place one day at a time. And I pray for patience and the words to say when it's my time to talk.
Which brings me back to Kristen and CI's group about the seeds of change... after realizing there was still a lot of God to be shared in this place I asked God to give me the words to say when I spoke to people and the knowledge to be silent when I needed to be silent. It seemed however, that the more I tried to bring God into the mix, the more I got rejected--rejection sucks by the way... I found myself wanting nothing more than to just sink back into my quiet self and hope that no one talked to me ever again... it was much less painful that way.
For a few days I even tried that. I spoke only when spoken to and I kept my head down at all costs. This brought on a considerable amount of misery though because I was no longer doing what God wanted of me. Something inside me needed to change.

In the small group at Spring Break Retreat one of the girls said, "It's not you they are rejecting." It was the strangest thing yet when I heard them say it I knew it was meant for me and I was instantly filled with such hope! God had used those girls to help me and to spur me on in a time when I simply wanted to toss in the towel.


Moving on real quick to how God has been working in me in regards to my shyness then it's bedtime for me..
For literally months now I've struggled like never before with my shyness and how I KNOW I have to get over it because it's a huge hindrance for me. Example: I don't pray in public. Period. I would like to, the desire is there.. but just as I'm about to open my mouth I get nervous and scared and my hands sweat and, and, and.... I hold my tongue.
Example two: During SBR I made a few videos with Sammy and CI that basically gave a summary of what had happened that weekend. In one of the videos I decided I was going to pass the camera to someone else and stop hiding behind it for once. Sammy was in the video with me and I knew she, at some point, was going to ask me what I had learned that day and I was so ready with my answer when she did! God had been working and I wanted nothing more than to tell people about it.
"This week God has grown me closer to the people in this youth group and closer to Him. He has shown me that I need to put up my shield against Satan and the fiery darts he throws at me daily. And I've been encouraged to go out and tell people about the things God has done and what He is doing daily. I've also been taught that my life is worth something to God. He created me and when He did he gave my life purpose and a plan. He did this for all of us! And when I go back to Jacksonville I plan on taking what I've learned with me and sharing it with everyone I can so they are filled with the same hope that I was filled with this weekend."

At least that's what I wanted to say...

When it came down to it though it sounded more like this, "This week I learned that.." [Huuuuge pause...I was struggling in my mind with what I wanted to say originally and with what I ended up saying]..... "planting the seed...." [another huuuge pause where once again I am fighting to say what I really, really want to say and what I know will end my sentence faster and get me out of the spotlight and back in my comfort zone]...... "is a good thing." Then I have this really lame grin on my face where I am trying so hard not to show how disgusted I am with myself for once again letting my stupid shyness get in the way of what I want!

I HAVE to get over it.

This morning I was sitting in church listening to Jason preach and a thought came to me...
I was with the youth group listening to the usual people pray out loud then all of a sudden I started praying out loud and I didn't feel scared or nervous. It was just me and God like as if I were praying all alone in my room to Him or in my head. At the end of the prayer I gave God all the glory and praise for allowing me to pray out loud to Him in a room full of people...

It may seem silly that I had such a thought but.....I was filled with hope! I have faith that my shyness will one day no longer be a problem and when that day comes, oh boy, you'll know it for sure cause He is going to get ALL the glory and praise!! =)
I serve an amazing Lord, my friends. He gives me hope and joy like no one or nothing else can. It's indescribable. Amazing.

Okay, as previously mentioned, it's bedtime for me.
Before I post this though I want to open this up for discussion. Let me know what you think, how God's working in you, how He gives you hope, whatever. . . It's open to you. Discuss. =)
Goodnight.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Kiss the world with your burning lips.

I miss the people from my past who are no longer a part of my life.


Feel free to assume I am talking about you because chances are, I am.
Unless you, the reader, are someone who is currently a part of my life then this post is not for you. I do thank you, however. I am sure you make my life special and that is perfectly fine with me.


My spring break has been amazing, by the way. You should consider asking me about it. Expect lengthy answers though.

Monday, March 2, 2009

What's My Story?

Time seems to be passing slow tonight.
I promise I don't mind.
The thoughts passing through my mind are not thoughts I entertain often.


My roommate is at work so it's quiet this evening.
Typically, I try to gain knowledge in my quiet moments; searching through time-worn books or countless Internet sources.
Tonight however, is a peaceful night. My mind is at rest. Somewhat.
Occasionally I have a fleeting thought only to be chased away by my minds desire for total silence.
In case you are curious, as I know I would be, the fleeting thought is always the same, "What's my story?"

The more I ask myself the more frustrated I get because I don't seem to have a good enough answer.
You should hear my story. Though, I'm certain you wouldn't be very entertained.
It has a nice beginning but that's about it. You should hear it regardless.
Perhaps you should ask me sometime. Or perhaps I'll write it in due time. Meanwhile--

It's cold in this room but suitable.
It's loud in the hall but music can drown it out.
Clothes scatter the floor and papers paint the dresser in a scribbled white but even that is merely an eye sore.
The frustration my "story" brings me is all that seems to be bothering me lately (despite what I tell people).
I blame my frustration on other trivial things like sleep, homework or women who always feel the need to be saying something at all times, all the while holding back what I know truly has me at my ends these days.
What if someone asks?
Will I have the right answer?
Things like these aren't found in books and that bothers me. I like finding the answers hidden in dusty, age-perfumed pages--a forgotten resource to some.

Flash and emotions.
My story is lacking both.
That's okay though, right?

Again, another question without an answer.

What's my story?
I knew I needed Christ.
Shortly after asking Him to save me from an eternal death I started to desire a personal relationship with Him. And it's been a relationship that has outdone any other!
The end.

(basically).

I grew up in church so I don't have some outlandish story, "I was a druggie saved by grace" or "I found Jesus in prison after killing two men just to watch them die" or . . . .
I was a quiet little church girl who sat with her family on the second pew of the right side of the church from birth till 2003 when we moved to FBC... then it was the second pew of the left side of the church.
It was on that second pew where God gently tugged at my heart. That second pew where I answered back with a quiet prayer of salvation and that second pew where I stood and walked, tears rolling down my cheek, to the front of the church and told the pastor I had excepted Christ to be my Savior.

It's nothing flashy but it gets me excited each time I think about it. When people ask me my story, that is the one I will tell them.

I was a sinner who needed Gods grace.
A sinner who knows the path of righteousness is narrow and without Gods direction would always go astray.
A sinner who desperately longs after her heavenly Father.
And a sinner who always desires His plan because it is far greater than any I could come up with on my own!


It has a beginning..
The rest is still unwritten.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Sports teams in Phila this year are on fire! I obviously didn't mind it with the Phillies but I can't stand the Eagles! Oh well.. Congrats to them & Go Cards! lol

NFC Championship Game: Eagles at Cardinals, 3pm ET January 18, 2009

Monday, January 5, 2009

Mountain Dew =)

How sweet would it be to have a never ending supply of Mountain Dew....?
My thoughts last night before going to sleep.. random much? lol

So, My new roommate called today. I missed her call but she called Mom and talked to her. She has the same last name as me. Yeah, totally sweet, right?! =)
I'm stoked about this semester starting! These next 6 days cannot pass any sooner!
I've been trying to spend as much time with Kris as I can lately 'cause Mom pulled me aside one day about a week ago and said she was having a hard time with the idea of me leaving. I'm not going to be like super far away but still..
I think all the extra time has been helpful and if not, then hey, it's always nice to spend time with family and make memories.
Speaking of memories.... Last night I was in the shower... wait, first I have to explain the layout of our house a little... Kristen's closet is like right next to the shower in the bathroom by her room. In other words, KPs room and closet are like an upside down "L" and with the bathroom it makes a complete rectangle. The short part of the "L" is where her closet is and the shower is on the other side of the wall dividing the two. Make sense? Hope so..
So, as I was saying.. I was in that shower last night while KP was cleaning her closet when out of no where she knocks on the wall. Why? I don't know. But it reminded me of when we were younger and she and I had rooms right next to one another. It was just after we moved into the house we are in now and it was the first time we had ever been in separate rooms.
One night after we had been sent to bed (and were supposed to be asleep lol) I hear this knock on the wall that divided our rooms.. So I go to the wall and knock back. Then I hear her whisper from the other side, "Sissy, are you awake?" lol "I can't sleep."
Somehow from there we came up with an idea to communicate to one another by knocking on the wall. One knock was A, two was B, three C, and so on till we got to E and realized it was lame and probably not going to work. lol
Mom came in to each of our rooms shortly after and tucked us back in and probably got on to us a little for being out of bed, I don't really remember.
I think I was about 7 or so when all this happened but I doubt I'll ever forget it. A few details may slip over time but that bonding I felt with Kris that night will probably (hopefully) stay with me till we're both old and gray. =)
It's funny how she and I have gotten so close in these past few years when, and you can ask anyone who knew us, we used to like HAAATE each other!! It wasn't actual hate we felt for one another but from the outside I'm sure it seemed that way. People told us it was just because we were siblings but I beg to differ. I think it was mostly that we were girls and less than a year apart. That in itself brought out the competitive nature in both of us. Plus we had, and for the most part still do, the same circle of friends. That didn't help much..
I don't buy the whole, "it's because you are siblings" thing for a second. Rick and I have been like best friends for as long as I can remember. I can count on my hands the times he and I fought.. So no, it's not simply because we are siblings.
Gee, why did I even get on this topic??? *sigh* I fear I'm going to miss my little sister more than I would like to admit to. Thank goodness for cell phones and the Internet!

The New Year---2009

Hope it's a good one!