This time a year ago I was laying in bed at my grandmother's house texting, writing emails, and listening to Only Hope and Heavenly Day over and over until I grew too tired to stay up.
Then I went out to the balcony and stared at the moon until I accidentally fell asleep.
So much has changed since that night.
Oh, what I would give to go back!
Death came into my world and turned it upside down and inside out.
Death came in and ripped my heart out. Upon realizing that wasn't enough pain, death proceeded to tear my heart to shreds before my weary eyes.
Bitterness towards death has weakened me.
Bitterness has come into my life and reeked havoc despite how hard I have tried to push it out.
Memories have flooded through me like Katrina into NOLA.
No picture, no memorabilia, no thought of her escapes me now. And with each, the pain of my loss is only intensified.
Her last words will forever grace my memory.
"Bye Lauren. I love you. I'll see you in two weeks."
She then turned to walk out the door, but just as she crossed the threshold she looked back at me and said, "Well, maybe not."
Then she smiled her warm smile and walked away.
Never to return.
She was visiting my aunt and uncle for two weeks.
She loved it down there.
It is partially because of them that I do not allow myself to let depression or pain rule me. [Though, it would be very easy.]
You see, they, my aunt especially, had/have it far worse than I.
It was their house she died in.
I'm not sure I would have the strength to pass by the room she stayed in.
I'm not sure I could sit at the kitchen table without picturing her bright face there once again.
I'm not sure I have the strength to stay away from her memories.
You can't hardly think of Grandmother without also thinking of the unconditional love she showed. For this, I will always be grateful.
I find myself acting in ways I saw her act and it pleases me.
She was a woman you could live by, if ever there were such a need.
I've held back pain, I've held back tears.
I'm broken now, but Yours to heal.
The light You bring in darkest night,
will shine beyond the suns' own might.
Take my hand and guide me, Lord.
Show the path you have in store.
My feet they search in light of You,
My hands, Oh Lord, forever use.
Wrap me in your tender care,
don't let go, I need You there.
Shake from me my deepest fears,
wipe away my falling tears.
Forevermore I'm Yours, Oh Lord.
In loving memory:
Letha Jo Parsons
June 16, 2008